Monday, September 12, 2011

Slow Children are on Their Own

I will admit a lot of stupid things annoy me and I focus too much on the trivial.  That's just how I roll.  It makes sense.  I can't do squat about world hunger or disease, but I can do something about the change machine in the laundromat being broken for over a month with no sign warning you it was broken.  So you load your washers and then discover you have to go out in search of quarters.  Solution, create sign after sign after sign, which the owner tears down for some unknown reason.  Well, the last sign was kind of threatening and involved a personal attack on his character, but hey.....six weeks is a long time to have a broken change machine.

My latest obsession are those damn slow children signs shaped like little yellow men with flags.  Which people put in the streets to warn people that their children get to play in the street.  Even if they have an enclosed back yard which would be better to play in.  Even though children should know not to play in the street.  I know that the edge of the sidewalk was like an invisible fence operated by my mother's raised eyebrow.  We hit that point, even at a dead run and we fell over yelping like a wounded animal.  Just with a look.  Here's my solution to the whole Democrats/Republicans refusing to work together.  Send my mom in to raise her eyebrow.  Trust me, they'd be playing nice.

But, I digress.  And that is not my mom.

So these STUPID little yellow men are popping up everywhere warning everyone that their children are going to be darting out in traffic or just sprawled in the road or something and that it's too much effort to keep them out of the street so it's on us to not hit them.  There are four in my neighborhood.  They keep multiplying, too.
One neighbor created her own speed limit of 15.  She has an actual speed limit sign in front of her house.  The speed limit is 20, except in front of her house. I'm actually going to adapt that to my home.  It's either going to be 5 or 80.  I haven't decided yet.

The whole thing enrages me because why are these people accepting the fact their kids are going to be darting out into traffic or (in the case of a neighbor) using one of those mini motorcycles that are about 8 inches high to tow another kid who is sitting in a baby stroller?  Why not keep them out of the street?

Of course I have a plan.  Well, I've had several.  The first was just to steal the little yellow men, but I thought of how humiliating that would be to get arrested for that.  I've never been arrested and I'm saving that experience for something a little more interesting than pilfering plastic dudes that encourage playing in traffic.  Then I thought I would affix small Confederate flags on the little flag decal these little yellow men have.  It would make everyone really uncomfortable, but they would have a hard time articulating why.

It's a war between me and the little yellow men and I'm bound to fail.  But, I'll go down valiantly, perhaps in the glow of a police car spotlight as I run down the street with one of these awful, lame figurines.  With confederate flag stickers falling out of my pocket.


  1. I always assumed the warning "Slow Children" meant just that. Felt sorry for the poor, slow, little guys. Maybe individual attention from a tutor?
    The same confusion attended the sign: No, U turn.

  2. Seriously, I enjoy your blog, Ramona.

  3. Very funny Ramona. Very funny. And Smart.